I took an online webinar about adoption and identity recently. There was a panel of 4 adult adoptees that have very different adoption stories. There was one international adoptee, two adopted domestically as infants (one had bio siblings and the other had another adoptive sibling) and one that had a very rough childhood and was adopted domestically at age 14. The one common theme I got from the discussion was that we should talk openly and honestly about adoption and NOT LEAVE IT UP TO THE CHILD to bring up the discussion. It makes them feel alone on their adoption journey and some felt protective over their parents so didn't bring up the uncomfortable topic. Sad.
Here are some bullet points I jotted down to remember...
*Speak about adoption as a family identity. For example, "We are an adoptive family". Not "She is adopted". Another example, "We are a multicultural family."
*Never say, "I don't see you as different."
*One person on the panel wished they had more of an adoption community around her as she grew up.
*Never make child feel like you did charity for them by adopting them. "I held you and changed your diaper!"
*About birth family search and homeland tours...
*Keep option on table, but adoptee should be the one to decide.
*Adoptee may assume they will fit in at homeland, but probably won't.
Can lead to disappointment.
*Grieving and loss process that has to be acknowledged.
*Can really help with identity, "I came from somewhere."
*You can't make being adopted go away.
*Never make up information about birth family.
We started telling Grace her story around 18 months and continued for almost a year. She loved it!!! Lately, she doesn't seem comfortable hearing it. She gets this weird, uncomfortable look on her face. Like she is forcing a smile. One time she actually filled up with tears in the beginning of the story. Broke my heart. We are taking a break from it for a while. I also made the story into a shutterfly book. She has absolutely no interest in it. She loves to look at the regular photo books with just pictures, but the one that tells the story.... No way! We won't force it. I wonder if she is starting to realize that she wasn't with us forever and that makes her uncomfortable or scared. I was glad to hear during the webinar that we are doing the right things. Grace not only has the adoption issue to deal with as she gets older, but the ethnicity issue too. I pray we handle it well!
4 comments:
Jeannette, really good advice...I know that when I learned I was adopted (in the 5th grade), from my brother I was devistated. I openly tell Ava Grace she was a gift from God and is my Russian Princess. You guys are great parents, Grace will love to hear her story in her time...
Great post! Thanks for sharing. We did search for Natalia's birthmom - I think I blogged about it - in part because my mother in law was adopted and never knew even her birth mom's name until recently. And she really struggled with that. We will hold the information we have so that one day, if she wants it, it's there. I have heard that side though - that it should be up to her to decide. Who knows? Natalia also seems to go through phases of wanting to hear her story vs. not. I wonder if it is a developmental thing - like they can process it a little more thoroughly as they get older and just need some time to let it all sink in again?
Aidan doesn't mind hearing the story, but I've noticed that he'll ask questions about when he was a baby. Even though we've told him when he came home to us. I generally include information about his past into any family stories we tell. If he wants more information, I give it to him. The latest thing is that he wishes he had brothers and sisters. . .we do know there are two older brothers and their names, but not where they are now. And, I've noticed that now that he has started school he is hearing historical references to Russia that aren't always kind. . .that troubles him so I'm trying to show that we were allies. It's tough! But, I think as long as whatever we say we say with love it will hopefully turn out okay.
Jeanette, I have no doubt that you will handle future bumps in the road with Grace beautifully. You've followed your instincts so far with excellent results, so you should continue to trust yourselves. She couldn't be in better hands. xoxo
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