First of all, Grace IS precious to us. We enjoy having her so much. There are moments when I'm just so happy and content. She cracks us up and is such a happy little girl!
However, she isn't an easy child. She is so stubborn and strong willed. Everything needs to be on her terms. I find it so difficult to decipher if her behaviors are adoption related, sensory related, age related or just her personality. Here are just a few things that I am concerned about... the list is longer than this :)
Grace's eye contact has improved greatly. From a couple feet away and more, she looks right at you and for a decent amount of time. But up close, it is not very good. It is a second or two, but usually the eyes get shut and head turned away. She WILL NOT sit on my lap with a sippy cup of milk. I have tried!!!! The few times I got her to actually sit still facing towards me, she directs her eyeballs anywhere but my face. She will gladly sit next to me and or on but doesn't want the intimacy of looking at me. I keep playing games with her, but as soon as she knows what I am trying to do, she will literally walk away. She will turn down the cookie if I tell her she has to look in my eyes first. She is much better at the spontaneous eye contact during play. I do believe this issue is adoption and/or sensory related.
Grace is a control freak! I can say that because I am one too!!! One example: Today while sitting in the high chair after finishing her lunch, she started to squirm and whine. I calmly asked her if she wanted to get up (Grace signs "up" and does it all the time...on her terms). I told her she needed to tell mama she wanted to get up and then we could watch Dora before her nap (she is obsessed with Dora). I am trying to encourage communication with her so everything isn't always one sided. She basically ignored me, sucked her thumb (which was hiding a grin) and turned away. I repeated the same thing every time she started to whine. Every time, she refused to give in. So after about 10 minutes of a power struggle, I went over took her hands and made her sign "up" (as she was laughing) and got her up. The girl understands EVERYTHING! Today I was playing blocks with her and when she wanted to move on, I said she needed to help mama clean up the blocks. (That is a recommendation from the OT) You would think she had no clue what I was saying as she kept pulling the blocks out of the bucket that I had put in. I was very firm and told her she needed to clean up. She laughed. Then I said that after she helped me clean up we could play on the pillows. Well, wouldn't you know it, the girl turned around and put every block in the bucket! I know this sounds like an age issue, but I'm concerned it is adoption related. I have read about controlling and demanding behavior being a coping behavior. How do I fix this???? I feel like I have to discipline all the time. When she is getting into something she is not suppose to (a large portion of our day), she will ignore "no" (even at a very loud tone) until I start to count to 3. She 90% of the time stops at 2. Smart cookie!!! We have been using time out in the hallway for the times she doesn't stop. By the end of the day, I'm frankly tired of being around her. Please don't take this the wrong way. I love her, but there are days that I feel beat up. Please don't think I engage in power struggles all day either. I pick and choose moments that I feel will best teach her. She needs to learn to communicate and not just label things when she feels like it. While reading a book with her, if I ask her to point or label something, she won't. But if I just let her go, she will point and name things throughout the whole book. Everything is on her terms! I don't know how to make things improve or have her trust me more. I worry about her attachment hitting a wall and not growing deeper.
Another issue is that she ignores us when we call her name. She knows her name and about 10% of the time will turn on the first call. If I am sitting next to her, and say her name. She will not look at me. I'm sure she is afraid of the intimacy of turning and being so close. But there isn't even an acknowledgement of hearing me. I have brought this up with her OT and my concerns about these behaviors being on the autism spectrum. She feels that Grace is not and that she is making choices. I will put those concerns in the back of my mind for now, but will not put them out of my mind. Luckily her OT is someone who has autism experience. I have also read that poor eye contact and not responding to her name is on a list of sensory processing disorder traits. But I worry....
So there it is... real life. I really don't want to mess her up :)
And this is for my sister who insists on every post having a picture! Our little princess and her slaves (I think she may have made them do this :)
13 comments:
thanks for the picture! much better.
i wish i knew what to say or had advice to give but i know nothing about this. i do know that you're doing a great job, though and things will be ok. she came into your life for a reason and you will both get through this...unharmed. hang in there.
Its refreshing to read your very honest post...thank you for sharing.
My Grace is stubborn and strong minded too and it can be very testing...but your last photo speaks volumes. dx
Jeannette, I to have the same thing with Ava Grace and eye contact up close. She does not like to be held (looking up at me) as rock or sing her before going to bed. She loves if she can sit on my lap and face out. I do make her do it and hold her real close, when she starts to cry or struggle, I hold her even closer and then it just takes a few moments and she lets me. I think a lot of the other behavior might just me her age. I mean come on, my boys challenged me on everything when they were 2. I WOULDN'T start the counting game with her tho. Giving her extra time to disobey you is a huge no no in my book. If Ava grace dosen't listen when I tell her, I stop everything I am doing and either 1. spank her hand (if she is doing something dangerous), 2. help her and show her what is expected. 3. if she is just being defiant she gets a "time in" where I talk to her and tell her what is expected and make her sit by where I am. I know I think also, I don't want to "ruin" this child, Lord help me to just train her up in the way she should go! I can see that your boys don't seem to have any problems, so I bet that you are doing a fantastic job with Grace also. Sometimes, I have to remind myself NOT to over analyze everything I do with Ava Grace. Afterall she is a child that just needs love and attention like my boys did.
Oh Jeanette, you are not alone! We had Marina evaluated by an OT last week because I just wasn't sure if some of her behavior was age-related or sensory/attachment related. While we aren't having trouble with eye contact Marina has gotten very independent and doesn't listen well. She also leaves a path of distruction after play. The OT said she thinks a lot of Marina's behaviors are tied to immaturity (she said she behaves like a two year old, about nine months behind where she should be) and she doesn't know how to play or behave so we need to show her. She said this is normal for IA kids. So maybe that is some of what you are going thru with Grace. Hang in there, we're all experiencing similar things. And I so agree with what Debbie said about the photo you posted - she looks so happy and healthy so you are doing all the right things!!
Google search institutional autism. I'm about 100% confident that Claire had it. It's also 100% reversable if the behaviors are interrupted. There is a book by Federici (?), a doctor who has his own adopted kids. I don't agree with everything in the book, but a lot of it "fits" for Claire. I could mail it to you to borrow if you'd like. I think it's called "Help for the Hopeless Child". When I got it, I read it from cover to cover. He has interesting techniques that I didn't necessarily use, but the thing I got mostly from the book was insight.
Have you been to the pool much with her? I take my son once a week and I think it has really helped with attachment. It's hard to be Mr or Miss Independent in water over your head when you NEED mama to hold on to you.
A lot of this sounds really familiar as we went through it with Dmitrii. I will give you some hope and say that he has gotten past most of these behaviors even though it took time. I am going to think on this a bit and look up some resources that we used and get back to you.
Someone else mentioned institutional autism and really you should read up on that. I believe this was Dmitrii's main issue and still presents in some ways. Unlike true autism it can be overcome and reversed!
Thanks for the "real" post. It is a reminder to me that I really need to go back to that type of blogging. (or blogging at all)
oh! one more quick thing...
I totally get what you said about needing to get away and get a break from your little one. This stuff is very emotionally, spiritually, and even intellectually draining! I have had moments where I have had to ask someone to spend some time with my son because I have to get away from him for a bit. It is normal! and something you need!
I'm on the same page with Denise - I don't have any experience to offer you. I think of the miraculous gains you guys have made since May, and think you must be doing a ton right already. Trust the guidance of your OT, and continue to be patient. All of you are going to be more than OK. xoxo
Jeanette God spoiled us when he gave us boys! Boys are just so much easier...Hope also, is very demanding, jealous, possessive, controlling. I think it is cute at this point, but sometimes she can get under my skin! Especially, if she is doing something dangerous! I believe most of these IA babies do have ADHD!!! Short attention spans, kinda hyper, moody when they don't get their way etc. I feel as though, its a little bit of all the above! Time will tell...but truly, you must make your own time for yourself. I too need to get out, so I enjoy going to my classes, and going for runs/gym/dates for just my husband and I. Three kids is a lot-especially when 1 is a little princess! Truly, 1 girl is enough for us! XOXOX
Jeannie
It's hard for me sometimes to figure out if Clara's behaviors are just from being a toddler or if they are IA-related. Since she is our one and only, we have little context.
From day one Clara has had superb eye contact, but has expressed strong independence. She is not a "cuddler" like I had hoped. We have been working on her facing towards us... I think we've made huge strides but it's not 100%. When she is fussy, she does NOT want to be held facing towards us, or sitting on our laps facing to the side or towards us... she wants to have her back to us. It's a struggle. Luckily she is not a very fussy kid.
I struggle with her throwing EVERYTHING (including food), not flinching or listening AT ALL when I say "no" (this is relatively new behavior, but it scares me especially when she's trying to lick the electrical outlets!!!), and just wanting to do everything her way. I know some of this is just her way of showing independence. Lately I open a squeezy packet of applesauce and just set it down in front of her. If I hand it to her, she shakes her head no and pushes it away or throws it. If I put it in front of her, she picks it up and gobbles it down! Crazy. Also, she has decided that she doesn't want to use a spoon or fork - only her hands. I've just given up for now. :) You are not alone... it sounds to me like Grace has a little IA-related issues, but mostly toddler stuff. Obviously I am no expert. :)
Hang in there! Unfortunately for us we have NO family in the state to help support us day-to-day. We NEVER get to go out by ourselves. Good thing we are pretty much homebodies anyways!
Kevin gives me a little luxury by taking Clara Jane to Starbucks on Saturday mornings to let me sleep in or just be by myself. That is now going to stop since we are starting up MyGym on Saturday mornings.
OK, I'll stop blathering on and on.
Thinking of you...
Jeanette,
You are describing Caroline.
It is CRAZY!
She has never been an easy, laid back child. ALWAYS wants to control EVERY situation. Bossy, aggressive, devious, manipulative. My biggest frustration of all though is her unwillingness to obey. She can not be trusted for any amount of time out of sight....and she is FOUR. Ugh!
So, YES...the behavior is very typical of a PI child. We have been home almost 3 years and still live it daily. Sometimes I am a basket case because I think my head will explode if I have to repeat the house rules for the 20th time that day. I am tired of the crocodile tears because she got caught AGAIN doing the same old stuff that she gets in trouble for daily. She is not a 2 year old....she is FOUR.
Reading your post is bringing out my frustration. Lol
Someone said it is just girls, I disagree. It is not a girl thing. The easiest of my 4 is a girl, and the hardest is a girl. It is personality, plain and simple. And I am aware that a lot of PI kids' personalities are formed in the orphanage. I know my Caroline's was. Most of our challenges are with orphanage issues. We are blessed to not have glaring attachment issues with it though.
Good for you blogging about it. I was a little afraid to (when I first got home) for a while because there are some mean trolls out there. LOL
I saw many of them on FRUA.
If you ever need to chat...
themonroe6 a verizon dot net :-)
I'm back! I found the links I was looking for that have some great ideas for attachment activities.
this first one has wonderful activities that help promote eye contact
http://www.theraplay.org/articles/94_sp_Activities.htm
this 2nd one gives tons of info on attachment disorders. now i HATED when someone suggested to me that Dmitrii had an attachment disorder. He felt that he was really well attached. I didn't realize that there are many varieties of attachment disorder and being overly clingy can be an attachment disorder too. i just don't like the sound of "attachment disorder" but it covers more than just the kids who can't attach. anyway...
http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/
links to attachment nurturing activities
http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/Nurturing_Activities.htm
this article has a few cute ideas too. i love the cheerios kisses one!
http://www.growninmyheart.com/attachment-activities-for-adopted-toddlers
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